I’ve been a little stumped for what to write on this blog so I’m going to keep it short and simple. Today is Tuesday, I like Tuesday’s-they’re usually better than Monday’s.
Last Tuesday I had a free introductory guitar lesson at the Guitar Center. My first official session starts at 5:00pm today and I’m excited to push beyond what I already know. Ready to absorb new information and hopefully get past where I have been stuck musically for almost 11 years.
I appreciate music in all its many expressions and have craved the ability to make music myself. I’ve been considering going back to school for numerous reasons recently and this is just one step of many possible directions I could go. I’m not doing this for practical reasons, I’m doing it for love. For the love of music.
February 29th, 2016 is the accumulation of excess time during the past four years that have to be put somewhere to keep our calendars accurate over the long-term. The rotation of the earth in relation to the sun, moon and stars is all a mathematical equation that had been calculated repeatedly and refined as observations create more data.
Apparently eventually there will no need for a Leap year when every year will be 366 days long. That means time is actually slowing down by microseconds even though it feels as if it is speeding up. Perceptions of experience are as vast as the ever expanding universe we find our eyes witnessing in the myriad ways we pay attention. Infinite potential is ultimately defined by numbers and can be calculated and refined by sequences like the one Fibonacci brought to light.
Which means if all of creation is a mathematical equation then it’s our perception that creates the magic. How we view the sequences of numbers and manipulate them into explanations of what we see is truly a fascinating concept. Just imagine the possibility.
By definition it’s difficult word to define and as my (now official) ex-husband said recently to me, “you responded to my e-mail with some esoteric bullshit”. It got me thinking maybe I have been a little bit too vague with my writing here. I thought an image of caution was necessary because at times the facts are potentially hazardous. You can proceed at your own risk- even though the sign basically says no trespassing, it’s just a way of being protected from liability when someone wants a closer look.
We separated on 11-1-2015 and the divorce was finalized yesterday on 2-22-2016. The full moon was reassuring as a bright light in the sky last night while adjusting to my (now official) new name. The best part of the divorce was that I finally got to choose a new name. I’ve gone by middle name since I was 17 and had wanted to change my first and last name legally but it always seemed like too much hassle. I changed my last name when we were married and thought that was a good start. After almost 7 years as a “Sloan” seeing that last name in almost every public restroom (and not being related to the founder of that well-known successful valve company) I was pretty sure I didn’t want to keep that last name either. What I didn’t realize was that in a divorce whatever someone writes down on one line on one page in the final document could be anything. Unlimited potential for redefining oneself all because of a committed documented relationship that didn’t work out. Thank God.
There is a required 90 day waiting period after separation to determine if the marriage is irretrievably broken so I had some time to think about what I wanted to be called. I still love my middle name and decided that will never change, it’s the core of my identity, the creme between the two cookies. My first name I’ve always felt a bit ashamed of, the early years of my life were filled with moments of emotional upheaval, traumatic experiences and personal lack of understanding the big picture. A lot of memories I associated with my first name caused me to cringe whenever I heard it. And it was inevitable that someone at the bank or grocery store would call me that name as they read it off my identification unknowing that the second word written there was what I wanted to hear. So then I thought, if I keep my middle name what do I want people to call me when they don’t know me and are looking at identifying documentation? It didn’t take me too long to decide, anything but “Tina” would suffice.
I chose a name that in Turkish means, “Halo of Light” around the sun (or moon). Realizing right away that the name could be mispronounced easily because of the spelling. I was okay with that, sometimes I unknowingly speak with an accent and people hear “Joey” or “Joyce” in stead of “Joy” when I introduce myself. Ayla, (which I prefer to hear pronounced eye-luh) sounds way better no matter how you say it and kinda makes me want to sing. For some reason the song, “Lola” comes to mind leading into more random daydreams of potential stories and adventures of Ayla put to music. Ayla Joy felt right so on to the last part of a common 3-word identifying name.
As with my first given name, my last name was a colorful one including lots of experiential associations and family history. I like the color when I think of it as earthy but somehow those shitty memories of kids chanting, “How now, Brown cow?” as a chubby middle school student made it less than desirable to keep. I love my family too and the Brown side has qualities I sincerely appreciate. The word itself is not pleasing to my ears and makes me feel kind of down, or like a clown, or like I’m wearing an old gown, or… I think you get the picture. A rhyming mind leads me to Love- sent from above, fits like a glove, on the wings of a dove… And I thought of many last names I would love to have.
Ayla Joy… Osprey, Raven, Light, Peace, Forest, Moonstone, Star… so many words I love came to mind. The options were overwhelming and the potential implications of choosing something I would regret later was scary. Then looking into numberology my mind wandered all over the place searching for an answer that felt right. I went back and forth, felt high and low, free and stuck until suddenly I realized I knew it all along. There were signs everywhere confirming that my inner thoughts were correct. Even writing during the Super Bowl the answer was right in front of my face. The super bowl! Really? How many crazy signs did I need outwardly to confirm what I already felt deep inside? Apparently I needed a lot because the screen shots and pictures I have taken in the past threes months show a common theme and “Love” is the Answer.
I changed my Facebook profile name the day before the court hearing and then announced to all my friends via a post yesterday with two re-affirming photos taken the same day of my official new name. I received a text from my beautiful friend Jen last night, “Ayla Joy Love ❤️💗❤️ I love it!” And I do too. It feels right and when I saw the car with Joy Love stickered on the black fender and read the pink words written across the back window “Live with purpose” I knew.
Change, no matter how scary, can be a really good thing and sometimes it’s all about timing. Why did that person park their car there then and why did I park next to it, how did the timing create the circumstances to show me such a profound message in such a simple way? That I have to leave to the great universe, I don’t really need to know that answer. My logical mind can make up all sorts of reasons why that had nothing to do with my name change but I choose to believe something different. I’m choosing to believe in something I feel in my heart. My purpose is to act out of love, to share the joy that is a choice we can make to believe in what makes us feel good. It’s always an option to choose how we see things and how we react to things we see.
I’m making a different choice now than I used to. I know everyone is doing their best. My family gave me a beautiful name, they took care of me, they taught me things I needed to know to survive, they kept me warm and safe and did everything in their power to do what they thought was right and I am so thankful for everything they have done and everything they have taught and continue to teach me. Family is always going to be family even if I have a different name than what was given to me at birth. It’s another one of those choices we all have to make in life. We always have options and that’s what makes our world go round.
Yes, I like playing with words and some of the ways I have used words in this blog post prolly had some of you rolling your eyes. In the past I believed pictures are worth a thousand words and now I believe words are worth a thousand pictures. It all depends on the context and it’s useful to have both tools to convey messages in this physical world we exist within. There I go being esoteric again and I’m a Taurus, an earth sign who is generally very grounded. There is definitely a shift happening on this planet and I can feel it. At first I thought I was going crazy and had completely lost my mind.
I never thought I would get divorced, we had figure 8’s- a symbol of infinity tattooed on our ring fingers. Our life wasn’t perfect but I truly believed I had committed to spending the rest of my life with that man. I was sure that if anyone was stubborn and strong-willed enough to make it work it would be me. With a big heart and an open mind I’ve done my best to be faithful and true to the ones I love. This openmindedness led me to explore a vague nagging feeling I couldn’t quite shake and suddenly my heart felt like it was going to explode. What I didn’t know what that I had closed off parts of myself that I love because it wasn’t practical or acceptable by the man I married. He told me multiple times that those parts of me, those things I felt, “didn’t matter” and I tried so hard to believe it, to make it work.
One of my favorite new sayings is you have to “believe it to see it” and I’ll admit that sometimes no matter how much we want to believe in something if it doesn’t feel right in our heart it won’t work. There are boundaries and guidelines for our beliefs for a reason, body, mind and spirit have to communicate and cooperate in this process. Hard lesson to learn but so valuable and I just hope that the man I spent the last 10 years of my life with can understand some of these truths I have learned.
I know I wasn’t perfect and I know now I’m not the right person for him. Yet we learned a lot from each other and had some incredibly amazing adventures together. The love was true and there will always be a special place in my heart for him and I wish him well on his journey. He has great potential if he allows himself to be who he really wants to be. And only he knows what that is. I am thankful for our time together and sad that it didn’t work out the way we had hoped. Life goes on and it’s unproductive to dwell on what could have been.
This moment is all that really matters and the future is a gift waiting to be opened. I am grateful for this life and all these opportunities that await. I have spent the battery on my smart phone and have stuff on my task list to check off. It’s time to continue switching over to my new name, number one being a new drivers license. What do I want the new identifying picture of Ayla Joy Love to look like…?
I hope everyone has a magical wonderful day today. Love to you all. 💞
Pure, raw, unadulterated honesty. I know that I am only human and part of me wants to control all the situations I find myself in. My ego wants to believe that I have it all figured out or that I can figure it all out. I know that I’m not perfect and have a lot to learn. I have yet to become the person I think I want to be. I have yet to figure out exactly why I incarnated into this earth reality once again. I have some idea why, some vague sensation of something far greater than I can comprehend at this moment in time. There is a specific path I find myself on again. I had gotten away from this path and now things are coming around full circle. I just want to lay it all out on the table and share this raw food for thought.
My heart aches sometimes for things I don’t understand, my head hurts for reasons beyond common sense and my eyes see things there are no words to describe. I have this longing to express something I can’t quite put my finger on. I just want to be true, to live true, to learn and speak the truth. Yet I ponder if the truth is even acceptable, if my truth is acceptable and if it’s even a good thing to share during my quest for it. I guess because what I believed to be true and what I believe is truth is fluid and changing. As time passes energy moves in waves while life lessons twist and turn. There are so many questions and I want to know all the answers, I want true understanding of all that matters. I feel we are all connected, we share this amazing planet yet the human condition has such pervasive tendencies that distract us, confuse us and make us feel like crap when we least expect it.
Sometimes I can be my own worst critic, I beat myself up inside until tears seep out like blood from a place deep within that has been rubbed raw from the friction of my own thoughts. Why would I do such a thing when I should know better? Why is it such a challenge for us as humans to live from our hearts and stay in the moment? Why do we replay & regret the past? I want solutions and I want easy ways for everyone to figure these things out for ourselves. I want us all to live to our potential, to experience our own and each others awesomeness without all the pain and suffering that seems so common sometimes. I want to help build a better world, inside and out, above and below, this way and that way… but how?
While walking under the clear starry skies with the newly waxing moon last night I crossed the path of this beetle and paused for a moment. Jupiter and Sirius were twinkling and the sun-lit crescent of the moon glowed orange toward the horizon with the shadow-side a luminescent perfect circle in contrast to the crisp clear indigo sky. The late winter evening air scented with Bellingham bay saltwater and fresh green buds ready to bust open and bloom with the nearness of spring time. My ever expanding awareness that this life is actually an amazing dream and I am lucky to be alive. Choosing to believe more and more each day that I am the artist painting this picture of me & my world in each moment. Appreciating the opportunity to experience life with these eyes and love with this heart in this universe on this planet we call earth that is so full of magic. All we have to do is look and we can see all the wonderful creations of nature, the divine design, including the black beetle. A living being doing his beetle thing with the full spectrum shimmering as the flash from my camera strikes his body, the protective shell on his back dotted with constellations resembling the sky above. Contemplating me from that perspective I imagine the long, sensitive antenna picking up the vibrations of my human body. Extra sensory perceptions of light and frequencies. What is our purpose dear beetle, why have our paths crossed on this lovely evening? A creature so small and often easily overlooked has left an big lasting impression on me and I wonder…
How did I get to be so lucky? I feel so fortunate to be who I am and where I am in this lifetime. I feel so thankful and so grateful to be so blessed in so many ways-beyond words. I want to share, I want to inspire, I want other people to feel the joy of being alive, to believe in themselves and believe in the power we each have to paint our own pictures, to create our own realities and to share them with each other. I sometimes feel like that beetle, so small, so easily overlooked (and lucky I didn’t get stepped on in the twilight), but I think, if that beetle caught my attention and made a difference in my world, then maybe, just maybe, no matter how small or insignificant (or insecure) I may feel sometimes, I can make a difference in this world.
We are all connected and I believe this is our purpose, to move beyond the pain and sadness, to get past the illusions, to stop creating things we don’t want and to start to enjoy this physical reality of life to its fullest most beautiful potential. Love is the answer. You have to believe it to see it.
Time for a little tweet-ness to change up the standard photo + text blogging I do. Living and learning the online way of social media interconnectedness. Linking my belief system with a greater network in hopes that what I believe becomes truth.
A little bird told me an agent and a publisher are looking for me. It was actually a hummingbird that kept making that tweet sound until I paid enough attention and listened to the message behind the feathered beak speak. I am thankful to that tiny beautiful creature for the reminder to write this.
To the person, people or organization that is looking for me:
Hi, I’m so happy that you have stumbled upon my blog. I’m working on improvements and hope that you will bear with me during the building phase of this creative process. I assure you it will be worth the time and effort it takes to make this relationship successful for everyone involved. I’m looking forward to establishing a contract and having a better sense of direction and more connections than I could establish on my own. I appreciate the support and knowledge that we have to offer each other. I’m truly excited to meet you and begin to our journey together. Thank you for finding me and letting me know the next step.
I guess this will be my 11th post, I just received an e-mail letting me know my blog is now public and search engines can find me. A while ago I signed up for the Blogging 101 online course and it has just started… During SuperBowl 50- Panthers vs Broncos. I’m at house I’ve never been to before with a bunch people I just met sitting in a prime seat- a very comfy chair right next to the big screen and I feel a wee bit guilty using this plush space to fulfill my 1st official blog assignment. I’m still paying attention to the game and the excitement in the house is audible. Halftime show is next with Coldplay but that’s not what this blog post is supposed to be about. That’s just a description of the environment I find myself in and a sign of the dedication/commitment I have made to writing. Sounds like Jell-O shots are going on in the background. Once again I must focus on the task at hand. Realizing more and more the only time I have is now if I want to do something I must not wait or put if off until later because something else is always going to be happening as well.
I am a writer searching for a pathway to express myself and share these words that I hope will convey some deep meaning I have yet to understand. More than a writer I am a woman in my 30’s with a mission to understand my true sole purpose for this lifetime. The flower of life is the new icon for Coldplay which is extremely fitting as its flashing all over and is the stage for the halftime show. To explain the details of my discovery of the flower of life would be another blog post entirely but let’s go with just another synchronistic moment in the flow of my life. Paradise, I’m alive again, rainbows and flowers, wow. The words of this song are so appropriate as well.
This brings me to the why I am writing this blog- to uncover & share the answers. I am seeking understanding of the obscure ways the universe works. This planet we live on is so amazingly beautiful, the experiences we can have and share, our capacity for creation, for love. “Believe in Love” was just the message in the stands at the end of the halftime show. Does anybody else see the reality that I see or is it just because of what I believe? Where do the boundaries blur and the lines cross. This is why I write. To seek and to share vision, experience and love for this human experience.
Suddenly shaken from my comfort zone one again my eyes are open and I write. Startled it’s been two days plus one month since my last blog post. Good intentions, busy schedule and plenty of ways to distract myself. The holidays have been good and it’s so close to 2016 I can almost taste it. Time flies when you’re having fun.
As I lay in bed last night thinking about the past, the present and the future the door suddenly shifted open and I felt my world start to move. Ever so gently the structures I believed were solid proved to be fluid and danced as the earth quaked. 4.8 magnitude Sydney BC and no serious damage- Thank Goodness. Yet it rattled me to the core, time to re-prioritize, re-focus and keep appreciating all the details of this life for it can change (or end) in the blink of an eye.
I am grateful for this awareness and all the possibilities and opportunities as they continue to present themselves. “Today is the best F—ing day ever!”- I read on a license plate frame Christmas Day on I-405- it made me think. Living in the moment, experiencing this life on this beautiful planet with so many blessings- today really is the best fucking day ever- I am alive and the potential is limitless. I hope everyone has a fantastic experience of this thing we call life today. Thank you for being alive.
Twisted thoughts ravage the inner landscape of my mind and appear like gnarly old trees along the banks of a raging river. Tendrils of emotion fall like raindrops collected on the forest canopy cascading downward with gravitys pull. Icy cold roots reach deep into the earth searching for warmth in the form of peace.
This sensation of this turmoil is pure confusion, a lost and wandering mind caught up in a moment of uncertainty. The future looks bright and the past has already passed yet the now of here that is spins between them. A figure 8 of sorts weaving a web as it occilates around the center of okay then back to good and then to bad. Understanding, comprehending or even explaining the waves of inner disconnect seem futile. What have I done to find myself feeling this way?
Nothing is that bad yet my eyes are suddenly puffy and red. My purple shirt has wet salty droplets as I gaze out the sheer curtains at the pastel sky from the sun setting. Soon the moon will rise and the night will sparkle above with stars and below with frosty ice crystals. The day will fade away and the sun will rise again tomorrow with a new day- of this I am certain and find comfort in this. Yet I am still disconcerted with what has caused my inner world to become so turbulent and can’t help but wonder how long it will last.
Maybe I just need some more sleep or does it have something to do with all those vivid dreams I had last night? Maybe I just need some more food after having eaten a lot yesterday and not enough today? Or maybe it’s just something so simple it’s silly I haven’t figured it out yet? Maybe I just have to change my mind and the rest will follow. Life is good… really good, I’m so thankful for all the wonderful things in my life. The future holds so much potential it’s truly beautiful to imagine. Maybe this emotional disturbance is the final letting go of the last bit of whatever I was holding on to from the past, the final goodbye to what was? I can only hope.
The only constant is change. Even though it can be hard to let go sometimes, with change comes opportunity and even the ability to start over. We can recreate ourselves in each moment if we choose to do so just by shifting our awareness. When we pay attention to our inner world, to our instincts and take action based on the truth we feel in our hearts absolutely anything is possible. My eyes have been opened, my mind has been set free from what I used to believe and my heart is bursting with love. I am finally listening to the wisdom that resides in the depths of my being. The universe is incredibly accommodating in showing us signs to confirm our inner knowing when we are open to its potential. I’m am eternally grateful to have discovered this amazing reality. “You have to believe it to see it.”
The symbolism of this beautiful bouquet of flowers I recently received is just another confirmation of what my heart already knows. The color white suggests purity, innocence and new beginnings while the cleansing, healing power of white is limitless. We each have the chance to start over with a blank canvas and can choose paint a new picture of our ourselves and how we want to see the world. I hit the reset button on my life and my canvas was blank only short time ago. Yet already I have started to create the most beautiful life I had never dreamed was truly an option. Listening to my heart has opened my mind and increased my awareness of who I am, who I want to be and how I want to live. As the sun’s warmth is streaming through the window and brightening my world I breathe in the scent of these incredible white flowers on the table next to me. The simple actions we take in our everyday lives can mean so much to the people we interact with. These were a gift of Pure Love and I’m am so incredibly Thankful for the person who gave them to me. I wish I had the words to convey how truly blessed I feel.