Last night I had some strange dreams. One minute I was at some school on a cargo ship where I had agreed to learn how to scuba dive even though I was scared of feeling claustrophobic while breathing tanked air underwater. Next I found myself in a remote airplane hanger with a mechanic working on something and I set my external charger down hoping to remember it but leaving it there as we tested the plane flying from one mountain peak into the next. Then thinking I was going to die as it appeared we were about to lose altitude and slam into the sheer face of rock. The plane was in disrepair yet we landed roughly in another airplane hanger inside another massive mountain. Then I was searching for restrooms at a park but they were all too dirty to use, later I found one up on what looked like a cliff in Ireland with the most beautiful view out the back door. I was sitting on the toilet with the door cracked open for the view thinking of how crazy the location was as I awoke suddenly and ran to the bathroom with full bladder urgency while feeling super groggy and disoriented. I tumbled back into bed and fell back asleep wondering if the mechanic had found my external charger and if I would ever get it back or thinking maybe he needed it for something. Then trying to search on my phone in dreamland (which usually doesn’t work very well) to see if there was a world record for the largest group of people swimming all at one time (with no success) and still imagining all the students jumping off the cargo ship school into the ocean and forming a large circle holding hands to set some record I hoped didn’t exist yet. Strange. Glad I woke up just in time to relieve myself. Technology has definitely infiltrated my dreamland and I’m perplexed by the vividness of such random scenarios.
Seeing beyond the material illusions and feeling the truth that everything really is ultimately just energy. I wonder why it takes so long to see clearly and is so easy to slip back into the slumber of mistaken perception. I am finally taking full responsibility for creating my reality and I’m finding there are loopholes, back doors and hidden passage ways I was not aware of previously. I’m grateful and feel very blessed to learn more about my soul during this lifetime on schoolhouse earth. Patience & persistence, awareness & compassion, truth & love. Inventing new ways in my imagination that may help to release humans from the illusion of separation & eliminate fear.
We are are more connected in physical ways then we have been in (current accepted) recorded history. The entire world is in my hand right now as I connect to the vast network at my fingertips. Words are powerful and I intend to use them to uplift and enlighten. We are the universe perceiving itself from a beautiful mosaic of matter created by energy in motion fractured into millions of bits to experience the vast possibilities of existence. The implications are mind blowing and we have the ability to change the world by changing our minds. The universe has our back because it is us. We just have to wake up and enjoy the experience. Life is amazing. Thank you all for existing.
It’s been awhile… Here’s something that’s close to nothing just because it means a blog post. What to do about my website and blog…. Oh WordPress, why have you confused me so?
The sunset was incredibly beautiful last night after Wednesday night racing on a new to town J111. The breeze was steady, not too much and not too little. Jenny was at the helm and the other three of us were all over the boat getting sails up and down, letting sails in & out and trying to sail faster. It had been awhile since I’ve been racing and it took me a bit to remember all the moves. Especially after being sick for over a week and barely recovered. Nonetheless it felt great to be out on the water harnessing the power of the wind. On a boat it’s pretty clear where the boundaries are. You go beyond the lifelines and end up in the water where the boundaries are harder to define.
Life is more like the water than the boat, contantly changing and flowing without a clear sense of boundaries. With language it’s a challenge to describe exactly what I’m talking about because words can have so many different meanings. The kind of boundary I’m talking about has to do with the invisible guidelines for creating our reality. There’s a huge amount of freedom or wiggle room for creating the life that we want but it’s not limitless like I once thought. There are boundaries and I’m trying to learn and define what they are and what purpose they serve. On a boat the lifelines are the boundary and you can step beyond them but generally it’s not a good idea unless you’re at the dock. It’s beneficial to have boundaries and to know what they are. They help clarify otherwise abstract notions and redirect us when we feel lost. I guess my point is here that it pays to learn where our boundaries are in every sense that you can make of that sentence.
Everything in interconnected so ultimately boundaries are an illusion but it is the illusion that helps us to learn what we came here to learn. The illusion of separateness that is. The boundary I’m trying to define is something that prevents us from stepping off a ledge before we are ready to fly. Forgive me, I am still learning and trying to assimilate this concept that I’ve been chewing on. Time to give it a rest and go do some laundry. Thanks for listening.
It’s 3am and I’m wide awake. Thoughts of the past, present and future are racing through my head after my bladder raised me out of bed. The chilly walk to the bathroom stimulated the mental process and I wish there was an easy way to quiet the mind. Flashes of dream recall are interspersed with a longing to go back to sleep and anxiety about random unrelated thoughts. I feel as if I almost had something figured out while dreaming yet I can not put my finger on it.
Life is like a dream and when I’m dreaming I sense that there’s more to the stories I find myself vividly engaged in. Impossible scenarios play out like a movie with an unlimited budget and crazy special effects. Then I wake up and this reality is so tangible, physical needs like getting up to pee are very grounding and a good reminder for why this life experience is so special. The contrast between the many realms of awareness and all the facets to being human are limited yet limitless. The ideas we have, our capacity for bringing concepts into existence is brilliant yet we waste so much time.
Time is moving as a constant reminder like waves on the water created by the winds of change. Storms roll through the waters of my internal environment and I know that it does not last. Shifting back to stillness after the wild moments of wondering I hope to fall back asleep. I wander slowly back toward the cozy cocoon of rest with visions of potentiality and hope that the insightful parts of dreamland re-occur….
Today is the last day in the 5th month since I stopped drinking Alcohol. These last few hours of the 31st day of March have my mind wandering. Just 5 months ago alcohol was my go-to companion every single day, every evening (and even some mornings) I spent drinking some form of the intoxicating liquid. For several years before it was even legal for me to drink, I drank. I loved it. Beer, wine, booze, all the different flavors, colors and stages of inebriation. For the last 10 years before these 5 months my life and my perspective of alcohol was very different.
I knew there was always the potential for it to be a problem. I was clinically diagnosed as an alcoholic at the age of 13 after getting caught a few too many times with booze on my breath. As Ani DiFranco sings in her song Fuel- “They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics even when they’re dry…” and I was far from dry but figured I had a handle on it. I was fully functional, healthy & successful in very obvious ways. I was spending over $300 a month just on alcohol and still had enough to money to pay the bills, buy organic foods, have nice clothes, cars and toys. From the outside it appeared I had it all- life was good and it was one hell of a party. I could drink almost anyone under the table and still drive home. (Thank God I didn’t get caught or worse, hurt someone in those moments of poor decision to take the wheel.) I even liked to drink at home- I didn’t need to go out to get hammered, I didn’t even need a drinking buddy. And sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night after passing out drunk only to look at myself in the bathroom mirror after emptying my bladder wondering… Why the hell was I doing this?
Was it really all fun and games? Sometimes it was really fun but then sometimes the hangovers were really horrible too. Hair of the dog only works so well after a few hours of restless sleep after torturing ones liver. I tried to cut back after the bad days, limiting myself to one cocktail for an evening, only to find myself doing it all over again a week later. I craved it, some days I couldn’t wait until 5 O’clock to get my drink on. I’d go to the grocery store and tell myself I wasn’t going to buy any more alcohol only to find myself with 4 bottles of red wine in the shopping cart. It was especially bad when Washington changed the liquor laws and booze moved into the grocery stores. A bottle of bourbon was just too easy to grab while picking up a few items for dinner. Now I don’t even look twice at that section of the store.
These 5 months have gone by really fast actually and some days have been harder than others to stay on track. I’ve come a long way for being sober only this long and it’s amazing how different my whole world appears. The future looks bright and I’m ready for April 1st tomorrow. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, I’m finding better ways to cope with the twists and turns of life. I know I have the power to control my destiny and it all begins with each choice in each moment. I hope to continue to choose not to drink that intoxicating liquid that was distracting me from becoming who I really want to be. Life is so beautiful and I’m extremely Thankful to be where I am today- happy, healthy and sober. 🙂
One flight of stairs…
Distracted with an e-mail on the device in my left hand and a ceramic mug full of coffee with honey and milk in my right, my socked foot slid on the edge of the second top step and I took flight. Split seconds later the same foot found the wall at the base of the stairs halting my fast forward motion. My phone was still clenched tightly in my left hand, my favorite mug was now empty and I was drenched in coffee but fortunately nothing was broken. I sat there stunned looking through the creamy brown liquid dripping down from my hair into my glasses. I had just been thinking to myself a few days before how I should be careful and pay attention when traversing this nicely varnished wood stairway. My awareness then shifted from the puddle I was sitting in to the walls and banister that appeared to have been sprayed with muddy water. Such perfect decoration could not have occurred intentionally. It was Saturday at 9:45am and my plans for the day just changed in an instant.
First I had to clean up the mess. I don’t always put honey in my coffee and the sticky situation would only worsen with time. Paper towels gracefully went from white to tan as they absorbed the incident and the eco-friendly spray cleaner left the area smelling fresh with a slight hint of greasy beans left behind. I peeled off cool soggy layers of dark clothing, drank some fresh black coffee from my refilled mug and then jumped in the shower. As the hot water hit my left arm I almost squealed it stung so bad. I didn’t want to look so I went about washing my hair and biting my tongue. My ego was bruised and I knew my body probably was too. After the shower rinsed away the shock from the flight of stairs I thought about my plans for the day, took a deep breath and looked at my forearm. Ouch.
A beautiful raised red J written in friction above the swollen lump of skin that acted as a shock absorber on each step it had collided with. It could have been worse yet I wondered why this had just happened to me. I decided to take it easy the rest of my day and went out to soak up some Vitamin D. The sunshine felt good on all of my skin except that J spot and I relaxed into the moment. Life can change so rapidly, maybe this was a wake-up call for me? Maybe I just needed an excuse to slow down? Hopefully I’ll remember next time to give myself permission to take it easy without injuring myself first?
I woke up this morning with a few more aches and pains in some strange places. Remembering my flight, bump, slide and the landing I decided to check out my backside in the mirror. A perfectly purple goose egg on my left cheek just in time for Easter. I’m happy my body likes to use color therapy for healing and does it so quickly too. My arm has some nice green-blue hues behind the red J now too. Still I am amazed and very thankful that the human body is so resilient and ready to recover. I know it will take some time to feel 100% again but I think there’s a reason this happened. I’m not sure exactly why yet but every time I bump my arm or sit down for the next week I’m sure going to think about it.
I ate eleven different things today, a bowl of gf cereal, a protein bar, an apple, a chocolate peanut butter bar, a cheese stick, a few crackers, a couple scoops of goat cheese, too much nettle pesto, a whole cucumber, handfuls of chocolate sun drops & some peppermints. Now all that tasty yet pungent garlic in the nettle pesto is stuck on my breath and my sphincter is releasing some seriously noxious fumes during this digestive process. (I love my body.)
Today was a busy day, I ate, I drove, I worked, I played, I cleaned, I talked, I yawned, I tweeted, I sang, I farted and I wrote. Well, I’m writing now and that’s the 11th thing I have done today so far. There are still way more than Eleven items left on my task list and so many ideas spinning around in my head. The clock is ticking once again and my energy is waning. I have been up since 6am and it’s almost time for tea. I’m fading fast yet I just couldn’t help thinking about the numbers once again.
Specifically, Eleven and ones, so many ones, each thing is one thing and they all add up. Then depending on how you look at it eleven equals two. One plus One. Back two basics, eleven has been a powerful number for me and it all started with 11:11. Always seeing 11:11. I knew it meant something but what? Two plus two is Four? 11 plus 11 is 22, 2 plus 2 is 4. Four Ones. Four ones I see all the time in many different shapes and forms.
My life path number is 11- Based off my birth-date. My birth-name equals 22 in numerology. Once again, the ones and the twos and the elevens all are adding up. The numbers have meaning, we use numbers in numerous ways multiple times each and every day. Today is the 22nd of March. Twenty two days so far in this month and the additional impact of seeing repeating number sequences has me counting on the fact that this life is way more than it seems. Careful calculations leading me back to my roots and seeing that everything is truly interconnected and mathematically equated.
Rambling Joygirl. I had my tea and now its time for bed. I wish you all sweet dreams and happy thoughts.
Amazing to think that not long ago when I would visit this beach I didn’t even have a phone let alone a device that I could use to communicate directly with the entire world. Here I am, at the beach, getting Vitamin D from the awesome sunshine, inhaling fresh ionized salty sea air, listening to hummingbirds and chickadees as they dance in the trees above my head all while writing on my blog. I have to say I love technology. Now if only there was an agate finding app.
I could stay here all day but there’s still items on my task list that won’t be accomplished by being part of this scenery. A fly just landed on my hand reminding me that persistence will pay off, I just have to keep my focus even when life is a Beach. I get overwhelmed and impatient with myself sometimes but I truly am very grateful for this beautiful life I have and this amazing place where I live.
I’ve been a little stumped for what to write on this blog so I’m going to keep it short and simple. Today is Tuesday, I like Tuesday’s-they’re usually better than Monday’s.
Last Tuesday I had a free introductory guitar lesson at the Guitar Center. My first official session starts at 5:00pm today and I’m excited to push beyond what I already know. Ready to absorb new information and hopefully get past where I have been stuck musically for almost 11 years.
I appreciate music in all its many expressions and have craved the ability to make music myself. I’ve been considering going back to school for numerous reasons recently and this is just one step of many possible directions I could go. I’m not doing this for practical reasons, I’m doing it for love. For the love of music.